The Box

5:44pm: The way things are
Once again I thought I had rid myself of this thing, and yet again I have come back to it, needing an outlet that I can trust. I love my blogs, but the list of people that have access may prove problematic.

Anyhow, this last weekend I went on a trip. I went north with a friend. I knew it might not be the smartest idea in the world given certain aspects of our relationship (not like that!), but I decided 'what the hell'. Well, at times I was right - "hasta las narizes" as Aroha would say. But other times it was cool. But there was always something else there, my brain just wouldn't let me be. The guy I was travleing with is an adventurer, he's one of those with all the fun stories, etc - and everytime I'm there wishing I could say the same.

But there in, as the bard would say, is the rub - my perpetual problem. I am always wishin, and rarely doing. I am forever cautious, forever trained to be the good child, and quite honestly the everyday inhibitions of my brain have become a cage and I am sick and tired of them. I am constatly quoting PWT and saying "What IF" - and as the character Anna Foster (thank you saen for the intro) put it "I'm sick and tired of living my life in theory".

Why am I so completely incapable of saying what I want, of making a move, of going outside the lines?

Then there's the issue of my suppossed "independence" - which thanks to modern technology is shrinking everyday. I'm sorry but I don't need to hear from home every damn DAY! Especially when there's not a lot to say, and when I'm traveling. It's bull shit! If you want me to be independent then let me go!!!!!!!! But it seems like every time I get used to it, just as I'm finding my place, I get sent back to start. Just when I thought I was going forward, moving on, doing what I wanted, I look around and I'm back on Gray Street.

And of course, lurking in the back of my mind, is the ever present truth that if I could overthrow even half of my over-cautious mentality life would be a lot easier and funner. Or at the very least less boring!

I want to follow my instincts and impulses, I want to follow my curiosity - after all, I'm not a freakin' cat. I am supposed to like my life, not envy those around me. Life is about action, not watching others act. I feel trapped in a box of my own limitations (phys amd mental) where all I can do is watch it all go by. IT BLOWS!

1:18am: The Evil of Addictions
Ok, so the moral of this non-story is short, sweet, and to the point:

Addictions are evil! They're painful and torturous - physically and emotionally.

I've been battling my two biggest addictions now - simultaneously - for about 3 days. Because for these kinds of addictions, there is no fix. Or there is, just not for me right now, and even then fixes are only temporary.

Today was the worst thus far for a number of reasons: some school, some social, some future related. All I know is that by the time I got backe to my room tonight, I was in a place I haven't been for a long time.

Even now, I just can't seem to shake either of these. This has never happened before, I'm normally so much more controlled. but right now I can't get there, control is just beyond my reach.

Addictions hurt. And right now I feel like mine are tearing me in half. So if any body out there has the answers, or knows the guy that has all the answers - the permanent psychological fixes will you please point me in the right direction.

8:48pm: Where I Stand
So it's now been over 24 hours since I left Georgia, and I still don't know that I have completely processed the experience. Or rather experiences I guess - there were quite a few.
The bus ride down there was as decent as any 9 hour bus ride can be. I read, I talked, I dozed, I listened to music, and made some of my own. All I can say is, "oohh, Disney sing-a-longs." After breakfast in the morning, we began our education on the history of Fort Benning...Holy Crap! Bob has the greatest gift for finding media - videos, literature, etc - that will totally piss you off, spin your head around, and completely alter your perspective. 1% of the graduates of the School of the Americas (SOA) have been convicted of human rights violations. Ok, 1% is a small number, 60 (the actual number) is a little bigger. Then we jump to 15,000 +, the number of disapearances, tortures, and murders the SOA grads have participated in. How do you concieve something like that, how do you process it? More importantly how do you stop it? That's what I was there to learn and experience. That and some group bonding.

All day saturday, I walked around with two guys from the group - it was great. We went to the gate, we listened to protest songs and speakers, we stopped at probably 25 different informational tables from various human rights, fair trade, etc, groups. There was no need to speak as we went, we just kind of soaked it all up, the sights, the sounds, and the info. And I took pictures, pictures I am almost affraid to loook at. Some of them will have some power - let's put it that way.

Saturday night was just hanging out with the group. It was intresting. Just like last year, I began to hang out, and bond, with people I never would have imagined spending time with. It really made me question my decision about next semester. I know it seems ludicris to be willing to trade a semester in Europe for 10 days in Guatemala, but in Guatemala I would be surrounded by family, and I already know I feel at home there. If nothing else, I am really sorry that I won't get the experience of going with this group - they are amazing.

Sunday was the big day - the true protest, the march. It was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had. Almost every person in the crowd of around 22,000 was there for the same reason, to show non-violent resistance to something that should not, in good conscience, exist. Nearly every person present carried some kind of a memorial, for most it was a white cross bearing the name of someone murdered or disappeared. The hardest part was reading and hearing the ages of many of the dead, as a large number - if not the majority - were younger than me. The youngest (not counting the unborn) was only 10 days old. Once the procession of names started (in which singers on the stage sang out the name, gender, age, or some combination thereof, of each of the known victims) it took over two hours for all of the names to be read, allowing time for the response of "Presente" (present) after each one. For me the hardest part was towards the end, when the singers gave the ages and genders of 40 unknown children under the age of 12 that were killed in a massacre. How do we allow this to happen?

By the end of the day there were what looked like more than 10,000 memorial crosses stuck in and around the military barricades at the gates of Fort Benning. There was also a space in which protestors garbed in black, with white faces, lay splattered in red paint - representing only a small fraction of the victims we were there to represent. It was a truly shocking visual. Looking at that, I felt a renewed sense of need to do something with my life, to work to try and affect change. At the same time I've never felt so helpless to do so. What can you do in the face of something so frightful and awful? I wish I knew.

The bus ride home was a needed rejuvination. A bit of a nap, a little reading, sharing some music with one of the guys, and two hours of Porter playing guitar, singing, and encouraging us all to join in. For some reason hearing him play never ceases to cheer me up. Don't take it as an attraction thing, because it's about the music he puts himself into it, and it makes a difference. Plus with the help of the group, he picked and played some of the most appropriate songs possible. Music is the universal language, it speaks to the mind and to the soul. It's appropriate for all times and places. It chronicled this weekend, just as it has my life. I only wish it had the power to blow over buildings, to change cruel behaviors, and to end wars and violence. I wish something - anything had that power.

So right now I stand resolute. I know yet again, and even more so that I want to help people. I want to effect change. But how? What can one person do against a multitude of thousands? what skill do I have that would even matter? I stand resolute, but where can I put my resolution? I know the goal, but not how to get there, or if I even can.

2:53am: Getaway number 2
so, I think I've found out how to get through the madness - get away from it. Get away from everything that bothers, confuses, hurts, tires, etc. This weekend was amazing! there's so much to say, and not enough clarity at present to say it. I think I've gotten about 12 hours of sleep since thursday night, and I have to get up i five hours to work on a paper, so the story of this weekend will have to wait.

Plus the experience needs to be reflected on.

2:12am: I've said it before, and tonight it is my anthem, "Every step is a mis-step" and I can't seem to put one foot in front of the other.

I want to say a thousand things and all I can get out is I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. To all of you, I am sooo sorry. I wish i could turn back the clock, I wish I could erase it all.

I wish I could just fall away and take it all with me.

I'm, sorry.

6:04pm: Lions and Tigers and...Monkeys? Oh My!
In talking with a very dear friend today, I had a couple of realizations. Not for the first time, I realized that I CANNOT stand being lied to! My sense of disgust at false pleasantries and empty words was alos renewed. I don't care if what you have to say to me is nice or no, this is not Bambi land, if it's real I want to hear it. Give me the truth, striaght up, no anesthesia. That's what friends are really for.

I also realized that the people that affect me most right now, like it or no, generally fit into one of three categories: Monkey, Tiger, or Lion. When it comes to the Monkeys call me Jane Goodall I guess, for they are the majority. In particular there are three, three guys that love to goof off and sling shit, but are also fiercely protective of their own. They've amused me, made me laugh my butt off, chatted away with me for hours on end, and seen me through a lot. They've both impersonated and been (in their own rights) monkeys, and I absolutely love them for it - more than I will ever be able to say.

Then there are the tigers. Now two come to mind: 1 tiger, 1 tigress. These two tend to lie in wait, like tigers on the prowl, until they are most needed. But once they pounce, they are surprisingly fierce friends. One was lost to me for a while, but as redonned his stripes as of late, and it is greatly appreciated. While he is still stand-off-ish, as cats tend to be, I know he's there. The same is to be said of the tigress, who more than proved her stripes today just by getting me to talk. She's the one girl here that I can really talk to right now - it never ceases to amaze me all that we have in common. I thank whatever forces brought us together, which takes me to the next group.

And then there was one: the lion. In the Wizard of Oz, the lion was a lost girl's cowardly friend. Well while I will admit to being somewhat lost as of late, the lion in my life is no coward. In my eyes he never has been and never will be. However, this is not necessarily the lion from the wizard of oz either, as they once ascribed to the lion of Lannister - the enemy to my Tully/Stark nature. In fact, when this they first adopted this sigil, I fought it - never thinking it was possible for them to ascribe to the true character of the Lannister lion. Now I'm not sure. Lanisters are apt to deal in shallow pleasantries and half-truths, but sometimes there is something more to them, but I have no patience for such Imp-ish behavior. I can't classify you as either lion of Oz or Lannister for myself. I know where my hope lies, but hope can be decieving. So i guess the more appropriate qustion is this, am I Dorthy or Catelyn? Friend or foe? Remembe I don't ascribe to Webster's for the definitions of these terms.

So there it is, my life is a zoo - there's no denying it. And as much as I might try, there's no runnig from it either. Because some how, this is my group, my pack, and my life. We're not all the same, in fact, this is probably the most rag-tag group ever, but we're all connected, or rather you are all connected to me. Different reasons for each, but all to the same end you all have had, and still do, an affect on me. If only I could find and define my role as easily as I have yours.

6:22pm: Roswell
Ok, so almost all of my friends, at one time or another, have made fun of me for my one innocent "guilty pleassure" - Roswell. Yes, it's a teeny-bopper mini-drama, but something about it has always captivated me. So to eplain: REASONS I LOVE ROSWELL-

"Moments. It's amazing how one can just change things so radically" - Liz

"How am I ever supposed to become whoever it is that I'm suppossed to become while everyone is looking?" - Liz

"If you want me, you have to earn me" - Maria

"If it isn't complicated, he probably isn't your soul mate" - Grandma Claudia

"The bigger your world gets, the bigger your problems get too." - Liz

"What's so great about normal?" - Max (the best line ever in the context given!)

and finally,

"The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention. That sometimes your heart takes you to places that you shouldn't be, places that are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. And sometimes your heart takes you to place that can never lead to a happy ending. And that's not even the difficult part. The difficult part is when you follow your heart you leave normal, you go into the unknown...and once you do, you can never go back."
-Liz

And that my friends is only a few of the reasons that I love this show.

12:38pm: My escape
Yeah, so I went to chicago thrursday night, and I got back about an hour ago - it was amazing. It's amazing what a change of scenery can do for a reeling head and a drowning spirit. Before this weekend my mindset about how things have been lately was, "so what, that's normal. Welcome to my life." But not so much anymore. This weekend reinstilled a lot of things. As soon as I got to chicago, I sat and had a 40 min. convo with someone who has now gone from being a casual acquaintance to a good friend. We talked about boys, about life, and about how the one inevitably complicates the other. She's going through what I went through last year. She kept telling me that it was nice to have someone to talk to, someone who'd been there, and it felt good to be helpful. It was nice to really make a difference to someone, to have someone appreciate my nature, rather than issue the irksome "don't worry about it/me". Dipti, you're amazing, I love you, and I'm here if you need anything.

Then there was Friday. I could never have imagined that chicago would be a refuge for me. But walking down Michigan Ave friday morning by myself, having my little adventure (aka wallking 12 blocks farther than i needed to and having to double back)was amazing! Strolling along in the chill of the morning, with nothing to worry about other than taking in the sights - it was unreal. I felt independent, untouchable, and peaceful - something i have not had in a long time (and fear I won't have again until i leave). It was hilarious, and i appreciated every second.

The consulate meeting was actually of little consequence afterall, but there's a reason for everything, and it seems to me, that the real reason for this seemingly inconvenient in-person requirement was to give me a break. I realized that had I had free run of the city, I would have spent all day by myself, not that I don't love my PK, but I would have spent all day and all night shooting. I will make that trip for myself one day.

Friday afternoon PK and I sat down to a Momma Mulhall Lunch - I now can't wait to go home for thanksgiving - and then took off shopping, it was great. A whole evening of just me and PK again was all I needed. We didn't even have serious talks, we just shopped, and goofed.

Then we got back to the apt, we could have girls night, only to have it crashed. But it was a good crashed. IIT guys are not all bad! Though they are indeed odd! I had fun AND I stuck to my resolve: no boys (other than causual plutonic socializing), and only 1 glass of wine. Yesterday was more shopping, and then dinner and then the traditional Mary & Pk activity - PEDICURES! Then to the 2 story target (everything there is two stories, it's rediculous)and then home.

Getting up this morning hurt, and nit just because of the hour. I knew what I would be leaving: friends, family, and fun. More than once this weekend, people asked me if I would consider changing schools, if I could be happy in Chicago, and if relocation would actually help. The honest answer is now "i don't know, maybe" It just seemed to much of a coincidence, that everyday I was passing what was once my dream school, and each time I wondered what it would have meant. Not regret, just curiosity. Columbia would have put me on a completely different track, but it's one that has been winding it's way back into my life anyway - it's just weird I guess.

All i know is that is was nice. Nice to be away, to not have to care, to have fun, to relax: it as nice to just be. And if this adventure was good, I can hardly wait to see what the next will bring.

12:42am: All Mixed Up
See the title, that pretty much sums it up. I feel like my life is on this giant scale right now and it's just teetering back and forth by the hour - some are up, some down.

It seems like things are kinda falling into place though. Socially things seem to be healing 0 at least I think (that one's a wait and see kinda deal). I mean I won't be here for the next three weekends, but I realized last night that that is a good thing. I need to get away, to see PK, to be with my GUA family, and with my guys, and even my real family. Study abroad seems to kinda be working itself out, or rather the paperwork is letting up a bit. And after seeing Sarah's pictures today of her fall break trip, I'm actually getting kinda pumped. I really wanna talk to her about all of it, but I'm getting to that nervous excitement between her pics and ginny's encouraging messages. Right now I think it's just kinda surreal. Work wise, I'm overloaded, but if I could get past this one paper, it'll be ok - though I think I'm gonna have to ask for an extension for the first time ever.

And here's where the scale begins to swing the other way. All the projects I have to get done are a bit intimidating. And the severe ADD as of late only frustrates that. But there's more to it than that. An old enemy has decided to come back and try me again, and it's scarring the shit out of me to be honest. I don't put this here to be vague but I need to beg indulgence from my friends. Those of you who know what's going on, please try to keep it under your hats, i don't want to deal with rumors or questions - I don't have answers right now. And if you don't know what's going on just know that if I'm acting funny - it's ok, or it will be, and I'm sorry if I'm a bit off until then.

This just goes to show, yet again, that i can't have harmony in my life. There's always got to be something. But sometimes that something, as inconvenient as it may be, has a purpose. Sometimes it points us where we're suppossed to be - mind you I'm not saying ALWAYS! but I'm trying that whole optimism thing that people are always telling me about, and hoping that it will push the scale in my favor.

10:23pm: Putting One Foot in Front of the Other
Ok, so you know how the saying goes, "Just take it one step at a time". Well after 20 years of hearing it, I am begining to learn its value. Last night I got smacked in the brain by the idea that in exactly 60 days from right now, I will be on a trans-Atlantic flight - YIPES! Unfortunately, no matter how much this whole thing freaks me out, it's still coming. But I just have to take it a day at a time.

I have 60 days to spend with friends.
60 days to see family
60 days to get stuff together
60 days to prepare and breathe
60 days to have fun and be around the people I care about the most.

And to start this stretch out right...
I've been hanging with my guys
One of my friends just got engaged
I'm going to Chicago to see my best friend and spend 3 days with her!
I have a new friend in Spain who's talking me down, and walking me through it.

I hate to say this, because it always comes back to bite me in the butt, but things are coming together. There are still some rocky areas, but I have a few weeks to work on those. Projects are coming up due, but there are very few that I am uncomfortable with right now (one of which I am avoiding by writing this hehehe).

No, this isn't where I saw myself at the begining of the semester, according to that plan I'm way off course. But Man plans and the PTBs just laugh, right? It may be taking me some time to adjust to this alternate course, but I'm doing it. Because if there is one thing that the last year of my life has taught me it's this: Things will rarely, if ever, go as you plan. But that doesn't mean there isn't a meaning to the madness.

Everything happens for a reason, I know that now to be a truth, more true than almose anything else I know. Sometimes it just takes a while for the reason to surface. After all, "Experience is a hard teacher, because she gives the test first, and the lesson after".

1:42pm: Never Again
For those of you that were there last night - I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking, I guess I just thought that everything was finally comfortable, and I was surrounded by friends so it was ok. But it wasn't.

I just wanted to have a good time with everybody again, and what better time than a friend's birthday - again wrong answer. So I'm sorry if I ruined anyone's night that was never the intention.
But i don't feel that an apology quite cuts it. So, for anybody who didn't find out, here's the base of it: I have a nerve disorder. Occassionaly, my body just kinda short circuits, and it makes me shake. It's never happened before while I was drinking, and it has NEVER been that bad before. Irregaurdless though, it's my issue, and I'm sorry you had to see it.

Thank you for those of you who tried to help. Thank you to those who didn't. And again, everybody I am so sorry. I reeally didn't mean to. And it won't happen again, I promise - I won't let it.

To one imparticular that I think I may have angered - I really am sorry. Every turn lately is just a misstep, huh? I thought I was ok, you know it normally just passes.

2:10pm: So, sleep...it's a wonderful thing. For the first time in about a week, i really slept last night. No racing mind, no nightmares, just sleep. I mean hell I fell asleep to Max Evans - that tells you how bad it was. But I slept, I slept fo 8 hours. And now the world seems turned upside down.

The problems are still there, unfortuately they are one thing that a good night's sleep couldn't cure, but I feel better about them now. Everything seems managable. And I have energy - WTF? My mind is still reeling from the events of late, but it'll catch up in time.

Hopefully everything will be cleared up soon, I'm not much one for faith, but I will hope and pray for that - for all of us.

I love you all, like it or not.

BTW I got the BA test back - better than the last one, so yay me!

3:02pm: And We ALL Fall Down
Shallow promises are something I can't abide, something I don't believe in, bu to the world that doesn't matter. Still they're made, and as is their nature, broken. And while I strive not to break promises, I break the ones made to myself all to often - and it hurts, just as much as the shallow, meaningless promises made by others. But we all fall down. We're human, it happens.

We're only made to take so much, and when that point is reached, the smart person backs down, pulls away, gets away. The smart people unlick their knees, take the fall, and get back up. I'm not as smart as everybody thinks. Lately I look around, and at each turn, one by one, I see them all falling down. And no matter how quick i reach out, I just can't catch them. And once they're down, they won't let me help them back up, I'm just supposed to stand there.

I'm supposed to just stay here as one by one they all fall down, fall away. They all want to fall away, they all want to leave. And I know everybody leaves - that's life. But to be glued to my spot in the midst of a mass exodus, To not sleep every night because I'm affraid I'll wake to find another one, or all of them, have fallen - I can't, I don't know how.

How do I catch someone intent on falling?
How do I reach someone who doesn't want me there?
How do I keep one who's ready to leave?

Better yet, how do I fall down? How do I just give up?

I guess if this is the way it is, i guess its for the best that I leave, that I fall away. Fuck adventure, I want peace. Fuck ok, I want happy. Fuck "being friends", its family!

We all fall down, but it's harder to fall when there's no faith. No faith that anyone will be there, no faith that you can get back up.

I envy those that fall with ease

6:13pm: Up and Down and Up and Down
Don't get me wrong, I love rollercoasters, but all things in moderation. And I know I'm not the only one. Everyone is stressed, everything stretched thin, and the most aggitating part is that there is nothing I can do to help any of it. I want to have fun again, laugh again, smile with friends again. More than that though, I want them all to smile. But I can't do it, I can't seem to make it happen.

People keep telling me it will be ok, it will get better, whatever - and it doesn't. And all of the energy, and the arguing, and the stress, and the jobs, and the projects, they exhaust me.

More than that though, I see what they do to those I care about, and I would gladly take it all up to see everyone happy, but i can't - that's not reality, as I am so often reminded. And it sucks.

Anyone and eveyone, tell me what i can do to make it better. How can I help? what should I do? Becasue I won't stop caring, I can't stop worrying, and no matter how hard I try to kill its annoying little butt there is a part of me that says there must be something I can do, and until I find it, I haven't done my best.

6:35pm: My fortress
A wise man once wrote:
"We are only human, and the gods have fashioned us for love. That is our gret joy and our great tragedy"

Friends turn to foes, heaven to hell, refuges to dungeons and escapes to traps. And still there is duty. FAMILY, DUTY, HONOR. The third is lost, or rather not retained as it can't be defined. The second I tend to as best I can but it is intimidating to say the least. And then there is the first, the guide of my mind and of my heart. And argue with me all you want, family is more than blood and love more than fading, manifold attraction. So what do you do when the primary of your responsibilities is the one you can't seem to tend to?

There are some that say, "i quit" - I can't quit them

There are some that say, "let it be, give it time, it will work itself out" - that's a boldfaced lie. It never had before, and the dreams tell me this time is no different. But what other choice do I have?

There are some that say, "Fight. Get back up and fight for yourself" - but what if in doing so I will hurt others. No, I can't fight because I will not raise hand, voice, or soul against any of you. As much as I want to believe it would be ok, i take a lesson from Dany - The price would be too high.

So, the solution is this - the only one left: fall back to a place of strength, or tht used to be strong. Rebuild. Build a fortress.
My emotions have always been my anchor, my stronghold. I always believed that my strength was my ability to feel, and familybound, I prided myself on caring. But it appears that I have yet to learn the most basic of chilhood lessons: moderation. Without it, I have come to realize, I am weak. Without it, I am the burden I fear becoming - For that I am truly sorry to all I have troubled. The troubles are mine, and I now take a lesson from your strengths and wisdoms.

I will do what I set out to do this semester: quit being reckless. It scares me, and it hurts, but sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same. But I can't do this again. I won't drag anyone through any of this with me. I'm sorry to those I've already started to do so with.

"Choosing...it has always hurt. And it always will"
I love you all, never question that - NEVER.

9:08am: 3's and 7's
these things come in 3's and 7's right. Well considering I got smashed with 2 in one night, there's no way - with my luck - that I'm gonna get off with three.

It's funny how your worst fear can also be your most intimate friend, because let's face it, when things get rough it's gonna be there anyway.

Proof that I am a Stark above all else: "the colors mix together to gray"

Look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
she just goes stumbling through her memories
staring out onto gray street

But she thinks-
hey how did I come to this
I dreamed myself a million times around the worldthere's
but I can't get out of this place

OH there's a loneliness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though its red blood bleeding from her now
felt like cold blue ice in her heart
when all the colors mixed together to gray
and it breaks her heart

ya know she wishes it was different
and she preys to god most every night
and though she's quite sure he doesn't listen
there's a tiny hope in her he might
she says i pray
oh but my prayers they fall on deaf ears
am i supposed to take it on myself to get out of this place

oh there's an emptiness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though its red blood bleeding from her now
felt like cold blue ice in her heart

ya know she feels like kicking out all the windows
and setting fire to this life
she would change everything about her
using colors bold and bright
but all the colors mix together to gray
and it breaks her heart
it breaks her heart
to breathe
.................................

All the times that I've cried,
All this wasted it's all inside.
And I feel all this pain,
Stuffed it down it's back again.
And I lie here in bed,
All alone, I can't mend.

I'm on the outside,
I'm looking in,
I can see through you,
See your true colors.
'Cause inside you're ugly,
Ugly like me,
I can see through you,
See you the real you.
........................................................

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
.............................................

You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away

Something I've done that I can't outrun
Maybe you should wait maybe you should run
But there's something you've said that can't be undone

And you fall away from your past
But It's following you

12:27am: Lady Thorns
Witness the birth of Lady Mia Thorns. She may not keep THE wall, but she is of the wall none the less. Forsworn by those whose blood took an oath to care, deserted by those who took the oath of their own free will. But she has found a new role model, and with it a new life style and a new oath. Now, she wears the black, the same as those that keep THE wall, and she aspires to their lifestyle - their detatchment. And for a vigil, she keeps to her own walls, some are strong, some are not. Those that are will be reinforced and gaurded, those that aren't will be rebuilt, they will be made bigger and better and then gaurded as the rest. Her ventures will keep to the wall, and her home made behind them, and hopefully - in time - her goal will be reached.

5:48pm: Day 3
I can't help thinking this is one of those times where I desparately wish I could say my life is boring. My mind is still reeling, my reason still fighting back the impulses and thoughts and issues that seem to be a product of being wired such as I am. This is one of those times I wish i had a tenth of the creativity that most of you do so that I could write, speak my piece, whatever. But I don't and I can't. So I've gone back to music, back to reading, and - as I displayed in my last post - back to relating. I wish instead I would quit caring and go back to living, back to adventure and back to fun. But for now, it's back to studying, then hopefully back to THE book, and hopefully with it some piece of mind.

"One more kiss could be the best thing,
One more lie could be the worst.
All these thoughts are never resting,

.....................................
"in this world there's real and make-believe,
and this seems real to me"
.....................................
If I lay here, If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

10:44pm: So here I am, when I should be studying for this huge test I have tomorrow, because i can't focus, because i have had something on my mind for about the last week or so - something i just can't shake. I haven't talked about Mia lately, because I thought she was at rest, I thought that she had served her purpose - but you know what they say about ASSumptions. Mia has found her way back to me, or i back to her. Here I am at a crossroads, I can't go back - the past holds nothing for me. The people that anchored me there the most are only now shadows of who they once were. At the same time though I can't see the future. The plans, the ideas, everything that I thought I knew was to come, in the last few weeks, has proved mostly to be mirage.

People ask how I am and I tell them I'm FINE. I know what it means, but they rarely do, and even when they do, they don't.

Part of what's othering me is that I have no idea, not the slightest what's to come. I'm scared again. I'm scared of next semester - that I will fail, or worse be forgotten. I'm scared that I'm finally comfortable and happy, all just in time to have it torn away. I'm scared of pain and of people, and how the two combine.

A dear friend keeps calling me lady thorns - sweet and pretty like a rose, but the closer you get the more apt you are to get pricked. And it kills me that this is true, and truer now than it probably has ever been before.

What's killing me the most though is my own hipocrisy. I put such a high value on honesty that it kills me when I can't find the courage and words to say what i need to. For heaven's sake I'm a frakin' Communications major, speaking, writing, commuicating - it's what I study, it's what I do! And yet here I am in an all to familiar situation, faced with a familiar foe in a fight I have fought repeatedly, almost to the point where my mind plays it out as a choreographed dance. The killer about dances though is that I can only follow how I am lead, so the end is always out of sight, and so the words are caught just so in my throat - AND I HATE IT.

I loathe pain with a passion, and yet I'm a massachist in this, i hate fear but still can't help being craven.

In this situation i so long to be a Stark. To have Bran's self-assuredness, Arya's outspoken, brazen manner, and most of all Catelyn's audacity and strength of will.

They say that words can never hurt you, but I know that to be a bold-faced lie. So rather than let cause pain, i swallow them. The killer is that I haven't thrown up in almost 3 years now - no matter how sick I was, but these words, these mere ideas are pushing that control, but something tells me no matter how much epicac they give me, it would take something more for me to really say them. It would take crashing down walls and cutting off thorns, and that would take encouragement. more than that though, it would take assurance of acceptance from those who cannot give it.

Winter is coming, n fact it's almost here - the more is my unrest.

4:36pm: Stupid Quizzes to Help Avoid Studying and Homework

You Have A Type A- Personality

You are one of the most balanced people around Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you. You Are Austin A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll. You're totally weird and very proud of it. Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way. Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick What American City Are You? You Have Low Self Esteem 48% of the Time While you sometimes feel good about yourself, you tend to struggle a little with self esteem issues. It's not about changing who you are, it's about accepting your faults. You just need to be less critical and demanding of yourself! How is Your Self Esteem? YEAH LIKE I HAVEN'T ALREADY HEARD THIS ONE A THOUSAND TIMES! You Are Ruby Red You are warm and inviting - yet a little wild and outrageous. Well aware that you have a dual personality, you work it as much as you can! You like for people to be comfortable around you, but not at the expense of you stealing the limelight. Popular and well known, you make friends easily. You have your big personality to thank for that. What Color Red Are You? OK, I THINK THEY'RE A LITTLE OFF HERE - NOT MISS POPULARITY! I took more than these, but you all just don't need to see the rest. Take them for yourselves. http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorredareyouquiz/ When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love! You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

1:04pm: Stess
My favorite companion is back - stress,

and with it comes the old feelings

I want things back the way they were - with people, places, and ideas.

I want the new me back, so if anybody finds me, hold on to me, and call me so I can come get me

10:19pm: FINE
By now, most people know the connotation that word has, and so it is apropo for the day, for me, for life. And it seems to apply to every turn I take. Just when I think I migt get a hold of something, it slips. The smile I used to wear continuously begins to slip, and now I don't know that I'll catch it.

I've never been one that could hold it all in, never been as independent as I should, but that's what friends are about right? Well, no more.

Those who know me best don't see me anymore. This is partially my fault, and I apolagize. But even when they do see me, they don't. They always told me that change was a good thing, and now that I have, they don't seem so recognize me.

My family is severed of their own accord - so be it. I don't have the energy to argue it, not anymore.

Then, there's my new pack. They are my pack, I watch them and watch out for them just as any elder would do. And they accept me, they take me for who I am, no want of compromise. But they have yet to really know me. Part of me likes it that way, I'd prefer they just see me as I like to be, and love me for that, and never hear or see the rest. That way, I stay the elder, that way they don't worry about me - I don't want them to, that's my job.

Then there's another. Someone that I want to talk to all day, but can't - and not just for the duh reasons. I can't for my own reasons, or more accurately the for te sake of that which is stronger than reason, and now theirs too. I'll save what I need to say for another time, place and world, and I'll bow out for now. I'm sorry I've leaned on you so much lately. And you may hate me for it, but I have to say it though you don't know why.

I never thought I'd be back behind my walls. they've been gone so long now that, like me to others, they seem alien. But they're safe right now, my work is here, familiarity is here. I wanted so hard to run from them, to escape them, and I did try. but right now they are the only inviting direction, and the only option that doesn't involve any of you.

My ties are being severed for me, and I've no choice. So don't bother asking anymore, because my only option is to smile an say I'm FINE.

And to start it out right, I'm going to the old ways, I'm taking myself for a walk

1:49am: In the words of others
Yet another case of "If I were to open my mouth to speak of myself I would falter, fall, and frighten many." So here's oday in the words of others.

"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it" - WM Lewis

"The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that with age comes wisdom"
- HL Menken

"How full of briers is this working day world" - Shakespeare

"The advantage of emotions is that they lead us astray" - Oscar Wilde

"You have peace when you make it with yourself" -Mitch Albom

'What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens." - Benjamin Disraeli

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-- Robert Frost

In the end, will I stand the test of time? - Andrew Porter

1:21am: The Power of an Earthweaver - Mia
The problem with being an earthweaver is that you are connected to the earth, to nature. You feel her pain, and shee feels yours. When she is upset, it wakes you up, when she is calm, you're at piece. And the connection goes both ways. The condition of an earthweaver is evident by the ground around them when they are not careful to sheild their emotions.

This is a problem for one such as I, for I don't know the limits of my powers, I have yet to reach their brink. And I don't have the discipline or strength to sheild myself as I should. Therefore, I can't help but feel that part of this mess is my fault. I have a hard time with coinscidence when I have such faith in fate.

So am I feeling her out pour of sorrow and anger? Or am I provoking this with my store of anxieties? When the weather mirrors the emotions of an earthweaver, it's both startling and satisfying. I do not want to believe that I fed such danger and destruction, but at the same time I find my settings oddly comfortable. This maddness seems right, and appropriate, and I cannot help but enjoy it, cannot help but feel what it means.

10:23pm: Mia Part two
Mia sat on the edge of a ravene, in the middle of a low-land forrest. It was a great spot for connecting with her powers, with nature, and with herself.

"This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in the world, the most serene sight and experience I have ever experienced. This is living. This is exactly what I want, the point of it all - LIFE. And this spot, where I have spent night after night now, this is my new sanctuary. It is so abundantly peaceful and beautiful. The life buzzing around me feeds me, energizes me; but the calm around me is deceptive. It seemed to promise safety, but how can one be safe from oneself?"

"Here in this sanctuary, I am ready to throw myself from my unsteady perch - simply as a means to escape my companions. They have found me, again. But of course they would, they always do. They are a part of me, they are inside me. I could no more banish them then I could the birds from this forrest. They are such a part of me that they will shape the person I am and influence most aspects of my life to come. As powerful as I am, and as powerful as I have told I am, they will always be more powerful - they created me, every ounce of being."

"I had thought that when I left my village, my home, my family, that I would be leaving every part of who I was there, that nothing would remain of the brilliant, fair, slave-to-be. I succeeded in leaving behind who I was, true enough. But I am learning that we can never leave what we are. And what I am is thier host, I am the dwelling of these spirits, and they do not like my change."

"More than any ghost ever would or could, these spirits haunt me. Awake, asleep, and everywhere in between, they remind me that I cannot control what I am. Undetected by those closest to me, their invisible footprints and inaudible voices claim me, continually marking me as theirs. Everything about me testifies to their power, yet I am their only slave, they affect no one else."

"They know my fears, my worst nightmares, all my weakness. And in an effort to reclaim me, to make me who I was, they prey on them ruthlessly. They have brought about my worst fear, and here I stand alone to face it. No one can help me. Nor would I let them, for it is my fear and it is such that I would wish it on no one else. It is something that I must face and fight alone, yet I know not how."

"The fight I feared would come, has come - in a form much worse than expected. There are few weapons for this fight, and I have none but myself. I have nothong to counter them except the desire I have to continue on the path I have started, the desire to live. I never thought such a place such as this, so comforting, would be the grounds for what is to happen. And I feel horrible for the part I have played in bringing it here. If only I could rewind to the moment I found this eden, this escape, and warn myself off of disturding it - as it stands now I just can't seem to make myself leave. And of course, no one will kick me out."

"How can you want to run to, and away from a place at the same time? Why does my soul cry out for help, and my brain pull away, screaming that this is the price of adventure and inependence? This uncertainty is maddening. Maddening and weakening."

"Right now it is my only truth, and the battle to come is my ony fate. I can neither see or feel what lies beyond."